So I linked to the first couple of chapters here on this very blog, but time got away with me and I didn’t keep up. Thankfully, my laziness means that you benefit with a masterpost of the whole first eight chapters of Gideon the Ninth!! Click on the read more for the chapters plus illuminating “last episode on Buffy” text which, for some reason, Tor.com let me write!!!

Chapters One & Two

The Emperor needs necromancers.

The Ninth Necromancer needs a swordswoman.

Gideon has a sword, some dirty magazines, and no more time for undead bullshit.

(Author’s notes: total lies. Gideon ends up with so much time for undead bullshit. We’re not saying that this is how she wanted the book to go, but there it is.)

Chapter Three

Harrowhark Nonagesimus, a hardworking girl looking after her parents’ interests, cunningly tricked the boorish Gideon into a battle Gideon might have easily won had she only possessed forethought, virtue, or a spade. Gideon is handily beaten through the dark and beautiful necromancy of the bone, which she does not appreciate, and we are delighted by the moral.

Chapter Four

Harrowhark adds religious piety to her growing list of virtues. Gideon is poorly behaved during a nice Locked Tomb mass wherein we learn that the Necrolord Prime, holy Emperor of the Reignited Sun, is offering all scions of the Nine Houses the chance to become his powerful Lyctors. Gideon, to whom this is all pearls before swine, is shown yet again the error of her ways.

Chapter Five

Now that Ortus Nigenad is out of the picture, Harrowhark condescends to offer Gideon his job, the honour of which she fails to recognise. Will Gideon choose to aid her Lady in becoming a necromantic saint, putting aside her crude broadsword for the elegant rapier, or will she continue to issue poor quality one-liners to her betters? (The answer, alas, was both.)

Chapter Six

Harrowhark graciously shared correspondence from the King of Dead Kings with Gideon, detailing aspects of the holy sacrament they are about to partake of in the First House. Gideon continues to fail at perfectly reasonable things like painting herself in vestal skull paint and showing fealty to her Reverend Daughter, who is too well-bred to take offense.

Chapter Seven

Gideon has trained with the rapier and become adequate. In a very affecting goodbye, Harrowhark blesses her necromantic congregation of ageing faithful, and leaves the sacred darkness of the Locked Tomb, where lies that which must remain buried behind the rock that must not be moved.

Chapter Eight

Having landed on the waterlogged planet of the House of the First, hero G. Nav deals with some tiny Dumbledore-looking motherfucker called Teacher and gets a first look-in on the Third House, which consists of Tweedledee, Tweedledum, and a poser. She also heroically intervenes on the part of the lady of the Seventh House, who turns out to be quite cute but has Captain Trips, and is menaced by the lady’s cavalier primary, who is trepidatiously hench. Harrowhark is a useless goth as per usual.