Dear all,

Here we are back again. Those long nineteen days ago when Gideon the Ninth was unleashed onto the world, I could hardly contemplate linking you again to anything. But the truth is that Gideon the Ninth is one book of three, and the second book will be here sooner than you think (JUNE 2, 2020).

That’s a long time away?? Naw. I myself will provide you with bullshit nonsense content until time speeds past like a bus out of control, and by that point June 2 will feel like a sweet reprieve because maybe I’ll stop talking about it. Psyche!! At that point I’ll simply start talking about Alecto the Ninth, a title my publishers misread because it’s actually my romance novel “Alec to Theninth”, a spiritual sequel to “From Justin to Kelly” about a guy who has a speech difficulty and meets plural clones of a Russian revolutionary politician and (Tighten this one up - Ed.)

Taking a twist for the contemporary, HARROW THE NINTH is the story of one girl’s sexual awakening at Bible camp, surrounded by wasps, unwanted nudes, and elderly swingers. It is also a story about how absolutely nothing happened the way you thought it did. Here are some of the traditional contemporary tropes I went with:

* PROTAG GETS A LIFE-CHANGING MAKEOVER

* PROTAG TROUBLED BY FLAWLESS MARKS IN HIGH SCHOOL NOT TRANSLATING OVER INTO UNIVERSITY

* DINNER PARTY RUINED BY FAUX PAS

* DESPITE MULTIPLE GIRLS BEING INTERESTED PROTAG PINES OVER THE ONE GIRL WHO ISN’T, WHICH IS JUST COMPLETELY FUCKING TYPICAL

* HORRIBLE LEMONGRAB WOMAN STEEPLES FINGERS, A LOT

* DROVE MY CHEVY TO THE LEVEE BUT THE LEVEE WAS GHOSTS

* SO LIKE, WHAT IF THE PAST, LIKE… WASN’T ACTUALLY… THE PAST, YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? (TAKES HUGE NECROBONG HIT)

I have also put in some new characters, but not TOO many! You may want to get familiar with them now. Tag yourself!

* GOD

* THREE ASSHOLES

* IANTHE

June is just a tomorrow away.

On the 24th of September, which is tomorrow for me, you can purchase The Monster of Elendhaven by Jennifer Giesbrecht.

I am not by any accounts an unbiased bystander. I first met Jenn in Homestuck fandom, never knowing that she was the one sent by the prophecy to later write the Epilogues. At the time, we just took a lot of joy in talking about what it would be like if Terezi went to law school. I have had the honour of having written as her co-writer on Promstuck and Herobound – I’m sorry to say that the best thing we ever wrote together never went public, but I assure you it was rad – and having my debut novel and her debut novella drop in the same month is like having our children get married, except that in this case I will say that although it is usually “X and Y don’t deserve to have to marry Gideon and Harrow,” this is the only case where I will say: Gideon and Harrow don’t deserve having to marry Florian and Johann. Gideon and Harrow have suffered enough.

For me, there’s lots I could say, but I’ll only say this: Giesbrecht writes like a Jim Steinman song feels.

As for the book itself, I wrote this to her back when I got to read it early (which is my undeserved prize for having attempted to force Giesbrecht to write a story with me where Jade Harley was a pregnant superhero having shacked up with Equius and Nepeta), and I wrote thus:

[This story is like] “What if Prince Eric pulled up Ursula instead and pushed him continuously over a cliff and wrote little notes carefully in his diary the whole time”

Get it. It’s great. I love Florian, and I love Johann, but nonetheless they are the worst fucking train wrecks in the world.  We have the same editor, and just imagine what a shellshocked ruin he is at this point. If at all possible, for safeguarding your own future entertainment, buy this book.

The wild ride continues in Chapter 3! Here’s some of what you can expect:

• Skurch (skull church)
• Skayers (skull prayers)
• Skunger Skuames (skull Hunger Games)

If you had not read the previous chapters they are linked here too. 

This chapter contains a lot of Reverend Daughter Harrowhark Nonagesimus. It also hints as to the deeply nuanced backstory behind her personality (SPOILER: she was given three gifts by good fairies at her christening, the gifts of being a dickhead, being a creep, and unnatural bone love). 

Happy Monday! It’s chapters one AND two of GIDEON THE NINTH, morality novel that teaches you how to be a good space goth! 

If you love skeletons, the dark mysteries of the sealed tomb and wearing black vestments, congratulations, you are already a good space goth. If you love huge fuck-off swords, girlie mags and the army, oops, you are NOT a good space goth. 

In either case maybe read the excerpts just to be sure.

Previously you could pay no money to possess two chapters of GIDEON THE NINTH, but we heard your complaints (”That takes effort” “I cannot do it in countries that are not America” “I am very weak and feeble and have only one click to spend before expiration”). All you need to do is hit this link, and the whole first chapter will leap into your eyes!

To me this feels very much like publishing the first chapter of one’s fanfiction online, but wearier. I remember those days when I was green and jejune, earnestly letting people know on Livejournal and Tumblr that the first 10k of my latest magnum opus was up for the five people in the universe interested in Yuffie Kisaragi/Freya Crescent/Gamzee (Bad ship – Ed.), but those days were characterised by modesty and shame. When you start to publish professionally, you become filled with a hot and neurotic desperation that cannot exist alongside shame. “Maybe read this, if you’ve a mind to,” I used to say, eyelashes downcast, fanning myself shyly, hitting PUBLISH on Ao3.

Now I’m like: Read it!!!!!!! Read it to your dog!!!!!!!!!!!! Please, God, I’ve edited this so much!!!!!!! I am assured that if you DON’T read it Satan will read it to me ceaselessly in Hell!!!!! I’ve put in as many jokes as humanly possible on the off-chance you’ll laugh at one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Before I come undooooone, save me from the nothing I’ve becoooooome.

Tor.com will be running the whole first act over the next couple months. Follow along; you might like it. 

(Were you here on the Internet when every YouTube video was a different Naruto and Sasuke AMV set to the All-American Rejects’ It Ends Tonight? I never knew much about Naruto, but this book is all those AMVs at once.)

Dear all,

I fully recognise none of you may be around any more now that the female-identified nipples have been scourged, but should you still roam these un-nippled halls I will shamelessly update you on my novel. One stops feeling guilt at self-promotion when your book’s on the way; there comes a point where you can no longer even stop, like a shark swims. You understand that to cease is to expire.

This link is to the cover of my book. The disembodied head up there is the head of my heroine. Please click through and examine. For sticking with me on this route, I will give you special information about this novel I don’t give anyone else; if you have read my fanfiction, or my short stories, or even my fanfiction and my short stories, I want to sit down warmly next to you and tell you exactly what kind of old bullshit I’m serving up to you all over again.

GIDEON THE NINTH is the story of seventeen dolts in a space shack trying to become God’s dead best friends. Here are some of the traditional heroic tropes I went with.

* GIRL FALLS FOR SICKLY COUGAR

* BAD LITTLE LEMONGRAB BOY STEEPLES FINGERS, A LOT 

* ASTEROID JUGGALOS HAVE A BONE RELIGION (That old chestnut!! - Ed.)

* TWINS BUT ONE TWIN IS A BEEFALO AND THE OTHER TWIN IS A POT OF YOPLAIT ZERO PERCENT YOGHURT

* HERO’S QUEST TO BECOME A NECROSOLDIER SPACE HUNKETTE ENDS PREMATURELY WHEN NO-TIDDY GOTH WITCH TRICKS HER INTO THE HUNGER GAMES (Biblical - Ed.) 

I have also put in a Sorting Hat system, just for you! One day you could align yourself with one of my beautiful Space Houses, which consist of:

* BORE HOUSE

* MTV’S CRIBS HOUSE

* MORON HOUSE

* YOUR MOM’S HOUSE

* DORK HOUSE

* POSER HOUSE

* ANTI HOUSE

* GOTH HOUSE

Bet you wish you’d thought of those, Rowling!!